Better not pat yourself on the back for that amazing meal too quickly — you’ve still gotta clean up, pal. Because if the safest sex is had through abstinence, there’s no contraceptive like old, crusty dishes piled in that bathroom sink where you make your ramen.
Don’t let the toilet give you sh*t when last night’s burrito comes back to haunt you. Every man should own a plunger and drain snake and know how to use ‘em to unclog a stubborn pipe or — God help you — toilet. This is one of the manliest skills you can have, and will save you enough money (versus calling a plumber) to buy a month’s worth of burritos.
As young lads discovering the wonders of our own bodies, my friends and I were briefly obsessed with the Playboy channel on cable TV. Not that any of our parents actually subscribed to it, of course, which always left us scanning scrambled images for any semblance of a woman’s face or – pleaseGodplease – breast. This was the stuff we mentally stored as masturbatory fuel.
These days, a youngster needs only Google, the description of his dream girl and the name of a sexual position he overheard on the school bus to find an endless stream of corresponding photos and videos. To my 14-year-old self, these kids would appear to have more uncanny power than some X-Men.
With all this wondrous filth a click away, I perhaps lost some of my imagination. So I decided to cure myself from porn dependency by purging smut from my diet, the way overeaters endure cleanses to overcome sugar addictions. Thus, my plan to take a 30-day break from porn was born.
There won’t be a “case.” Ever. You wouldn’t make a booty call to her, so why risk a butt-dial?
3. A Girl Whose Name You Don’t Know
You met briefly and got her digits, but missed her name. Now she’s forever in your phone as “Blonde @ Bar.” Which blonde? Do you even remember which bar?
4. A Friend Whose Name You Don’t Know
When you met him he was “Beercules.” And he’s still “Beercules.” Naturally, he’s the only guy you know without a Facebook account, and it’d be awkward to ask at this point, so “Beercules” he shall remain.
5. A Minor Celebrity
You can’t remember how you got his number, but sometimes you call it so your friends can hear his voicemail prompt. They’re not really that impressed.
6. An Old Roommate
Man, that guy was the worst. Let’s prank him.
7. A Blockbuster Video
“Excuse me, do you have any copies of ‘Armageddon‘ still in stock?”
8. Your Old “Pharmacist”
By now, he probably has a real medical degree. Or he’s in jail, whichever.
9. A Dead Relative
It’s super depressing whenever you scroll through your contacts, although you’re curious who — if anyone — would answer if you call.
Dr. Panpimol Wipulakorn works at Thailand’s Department of Mental Health, and she’s making international headlines after warning that snapping selfies “could affect the development of the country in the future as the number of new-generation leaders will fall short. It will hinder the country’s creativity and innovation.”
That’s because, Wipulakorn explained, “If [young people] feel they don’t get enough likes for their selfie as expected, they decide to post another, but still do not receive a good response. This could affect their thoughts. They can lose self-confidence and have a negative attitude toward themselves, such as feeling dissatisfied with themselves or their body.”
Actually, maybe that does make sense — especially if you’ve ever posted a gym selfie that got zero feedback, and then comforted yourself with a giant plate of nachos. So the next time you’re holding your smartphone out, lips perfectly duck-faced, just remember that the fate of humanity is literally in your hands.